i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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