I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
