I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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