Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
