You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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