My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
