Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
