I feel great
I just peed on a car
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize