Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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