Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
