i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
