Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
