i already hear my dad disowning me
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
