I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
