Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
