i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
