you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
