Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
