I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
