Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Randomize
