Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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