Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
