Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
