At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i dont even know how to be here
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
