I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
