Rock
Scissors
Fuck
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
two words: eviction party
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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