i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
