we have pet lesbian snakes
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize