i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
