you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
