Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
