No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
