I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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