when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
