I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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