So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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