Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
