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Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
