it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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