This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
