Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
