need another drink. this is the easiest way
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
