You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
