Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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