It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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