someone threw a dead crab at me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize