Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
