fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
