You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
