Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
