I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
