I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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