I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
