I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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