Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
