You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Boobs speak an international language.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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