I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
