All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
