hell yes lets make some ravioli
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
