you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
